sup i'm matt and I unfortunately fucking learned how to read!! i am available as an adopted dad or a mortal enemy. [for real, you're going to be okay. i know it's hard, but everything is going to work out. you just need to be here to see it happen. you're doing amazing, sunshine 💛]
Hey.
So, it’s been a while. I have a lot less energy than I used to and I’ve found that being online is extremely bad for my already struggling brain. I’ve really struggled to keep up any connections I used to have, even though I wanted to and I felt extremely guilty for struggling so much with just talking to people. I feel like I’ve become a completely different person in the past few years. I guess I kind of outgrew Tumblr and I felt like I was a fraud when I couldn’t reach the same levels of energy and enthusiasm to behave like I used to and I felt like I didn’t belong here any more and that I was a disappointment, but I still think about all of my friends on here a lot and I’m really sorry I faded out without any explanation, it was never a deliberate choice, time just did time things and all of a sudden it’s been years and I felt too guilty and ashamed to come back, like I was being kept prisoner by my own skull raisin. I still think about you all and I hope you’re living the wonderful happy lives you all deserve and that the world is being so, so kind and gentle to you. I hope you find new happiness and love every single day. I still love all of you with my whole heart and soul and I’m really, genuinely sorry for leaving like I did, I hope none of you were worried and I hope you didn’t miss me.
A life update is that I’m doing okay, even good. My partner Josh and I are still going strong, we’re planning on getting married in the next few years, and I’ve been flying over to see them regularly (I’ll never stop being grateful that I have this opportunity.) Their apartment is yellow and we adopted a very big plush Bulbasaur son together and we cuddle until we fall asleep every night and their smile and their mind make me reach a level of happiness I genuinely did not think I was capable of and they have helped me find who I really am. Loving them is the easiest and sweetest thing I’ve ever done. I’m planning on moving overseas to be with them after we’re married (paperwork + residency reasons.) Their friends have welcomed me incredibly kindly into their group and their city is a world I want to live in and I feel like I finally know where I belong. I have finally, finally found my home.
Other updates. My pets are getting older and we lost Maudie, I still miss her and I’m scared for the others but I can’t do anything but love them. With my partner’s help I realized that I’m most likely autistic and I’m hoping to get officially diagnosed once I’ve moved, but not before, because a diagnosis could get my residency denied. I have a steady job with very nice coworkers/friends and in general I’m a lot less scared of life and I’m actually excited for the future, even though I still have very hard days, weeks, months. I have a lot more confidence and love in myself. I own a shirt with rubber duckies on it and I adore it with my whole heart. I have two tattoos named Frank and Louisa and I’m hoping to get more soon. I make very good soup. I’ve learnt to draw, I still have a long way to go but it makes me happy and it’s therapeutic and also how does lighting and shading work oh my gOD-
If anyone wants to reach me at any time, for any reason, my Discord is
awshucksalright#7140.It’s one of the few sites that I don’t have a mental block with so I’m usually active on there, but I am a different person now so I understand if you don’t have a drive to, there’s no expectation. I just wanted to make a post to give closure if it was needed because just dipping like I did was super shitty and I wish I could take it back but at this point it feels too late and I don’t know if I have the energy to come back again any way. I have been lurking like a weirdo on your blogs to make sure you’re okay, I should’ve just reached out, I don’t know why I didn’t other than my brain not letting me, it felt like a wall and it still does. It was nothing any of you did, it’s just my own brain being a dick and I hate it and I wish I could change it. I don’t want any of you to think that you weren’t/aren’t important to me because you always have been and always will be. Your kindness and friendship has meant the world to me.
I don’t want to say goodbye so I’m not going to, I don’t want to close that door because I love so many of the people through it. I just hope you’re all okay and that life is treating you with all the amazing-ness that you all deserve. I hope you all feel warmly and gently hugged.
I started thinking about that one post about how from dogs POV humans are beings that live like 500+ years (because I was petting my dog and I was looking at her like “thirty thousand years of cooperation have led to this. our species have spent 30k years building up to the point where you, child of wolf, descendant of noble hunters and wild things, would come all the way out of the office and come sit with me in the hopes of letting a souped up monkey rub its paws on you”)
and then I thought about what it must have been like for the first humans to let a fucking wolf, maybe only a few generations from the wild, behold their infant child. Like man can u believe that? Maybe this alliance is only a few years old and sure you’ve seen the wolf’s kids but now you’ve got one of your own. And even though you’ve seen this wolf tear out the throats of creatures that could kill you, this wolf is your family. This wolf is your friend, you love them and they love you and you gotta show ‘em the new kid, look, friend, I had a child. I know you are wild and dangerous, but look at this, my most precious thing, sniff him, give him a lil lick, his children and your children will be bound together for thirty thousand fucking years because I love you
There’s a set of preserved footprints from 30k years ago that is a young child and a wolf standing side by side
can you fucking imagine? Maybe the kid’s mom was like “hey go get some water from the stream, but take the wolf with you. I trust him, he will protect you.”
